I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
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“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
They’re really bad with fonts.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
🥴😂
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater