I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
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Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Stuck behind a student driver at a 4-way stop, tell my family I’ll return one day
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
work smarter, not harder
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
batter: *hits homer*
Simpson: ow
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
