I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
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“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.