Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS

SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.

“Choose password”
> 123bob

“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones

“OK”

I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.

“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.

They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.

When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.

Placation.

Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!

Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer

my uber driver sat in silence for 10 minutes, then put on exactly one maroon 5 song, then turned it off and we’re sitting in silence again. this is the most complicated relationship I’ve ever been in

Ron Swanson with nurse:

Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?

“I have an uncle who does yoga”

My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken

Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.

My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.

7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭

If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.

Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.

I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.

I’m making fish cakes covered in breadcrumbs. I’ve never been covered in breadcrumbs before, never mind made fish cakes.

*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house

I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.

A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?

Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.

Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”

You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’

Wife: Where have you been?

Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.

when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose

Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire

Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.

Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?