Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.

Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.

Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.

I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO

Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog

My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.

Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?

3:

Me: Do a puzzle?

3:

Me: Paint?

3:

Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.

3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]

Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?

Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.

Me Got it.

Dad: Where’s mom?

Me: Visiting Super Dad.

Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality

This one never gets the credit it deserves

Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.

Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.

Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”

Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.

We like the way Dwight thinks

My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.

My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.

Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.

P.S. Bring a spider.

*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*

“Oh no! My research!!”

I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.

I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.

100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree

Sure. Why not?

I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.

i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.

I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???

Me: *has cold*

Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe

Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!

They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body