Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids

GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…

Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper

Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience

Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels

Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.

me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake

spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry

[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottle

Waiter: One ketchup coming up

Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.

My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.

what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube

The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.

If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.

“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”

“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”

“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”

Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day

Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee

On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.

7: mom look I got my math test back!

me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!

7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?

me: …like I said, said proud…

Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.

I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?

He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”

She said: “What? Like…today?”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Do you know where my mexican hat is?

– It’s somewhere bro..

Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?

If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”

Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.

Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer

*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*

My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”

I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops

Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan

😂🖐️

At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.

My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.

When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”

my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?