Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.

My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.

Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.

me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?

woman holding urn full of ashes:

Making friends was so much easier as a kid.

5: This is the smallest finger I have.

Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!

Both: (giggle)

him: I think we should see other people

me: is that on hulu or netflix

Thursday, 4:01pm

“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”

I love it

These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?

“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?

😂😂

Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.

my mom decorated the apartments for the cats

I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.

“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf

My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.

Because Canadian.

Wanted:

Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.

her: i’m leaving you.

me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard

her: YES

me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk

You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.

Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.

Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”

I forgot who said it first but it is indeed crazy that Uhaul will rent you a 27 ft truck with no training whatsoever

Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.

They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.

Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.

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anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group

if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger

forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies

coworker: we’re all gonna go to dinner next thursday. you in?

me: no thanks i’m not hungry

This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.

Her: I love cats

Me: [trying to impress her] me too

Her: what’s your favourite kind

Me: [panicking] uh…doja

goldfish mafia

[before date]

friend: make everything about her

[date]

waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*

me: *to date* this is all your fault