I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
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Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
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[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.