Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.

when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.

For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.

How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.

[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?

The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven

I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”

“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.

[first day as a doorman]

me: bye, thanks for coming

sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about

My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.

Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)

me: my parents aren’t home

911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw

Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce

Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see

Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.

Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?

Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.

Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps

Why don’t you sing about it?

– Walt Disney as a therapist

you’re an adult – don’t let anyone ruin your life and peace. You can do that shit on your own.

What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?

One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.

So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.

I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…

Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!

And I think this is my villain origin story.

a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years

Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!

Priest: This is communion…

M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-

P: Leave.

I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.

None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.

Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up