Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.

My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?

Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.

Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!

My dad:

For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.

Mad Max: Furry Road

50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.

remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩

Me: (Sneezes)

Microchip in my left arm: Bless you

I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.

T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R

Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.

Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.

Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.

Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.

Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.

Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.

Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’

Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’

I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen

Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.

Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?

Me: Uranium is OK I guess.

C:

M:

C:

M:

C: I like Metallica.

That’s not even on the periodic table

The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning

The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?

Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…

I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.

Loan Officer: Denied

Me: maybe this will change your mind

*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*

Me: *catching my breath* well??

Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not

They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.

“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.

“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”

“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.

Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!

Wow my pants are really loose today

*skips to the nearest vending machine*

coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!

me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!

Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?

Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.

Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?

Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.