I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
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Cannot stop laughing at this
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
The United Steaks of America
Got my mate for secret Santa (guy who spends all his time grooming his beard, drinking whisky, oiling his beard, drinking beer, combing his beard, drinking coffee, and wearing novelty Star Wars clothing) and I’m stumped
one thing they don’t tell you in driving school is that it’s ok to miss your exit and get off on the next one and loop back, instead of coming nearly to a full stop in the middle of the freeway or careening across multiple lanes of traffic quickly to try to make it
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you
dinner ingredients:
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
subtitles are so good nowadays
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime