I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
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Ummm
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
The manager at the karaoke bar said I’m allowed to sing ‘SexyBack’ by Justin Timberlake but only if I remain perfectly still while doing so.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.
accurate
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.