Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree

I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf

Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.

I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…

i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven

It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.

-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.

His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s

[first rap battle]

me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart

opponent: please stop crying

barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand

Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.

The steaks have never been higher.

Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?

Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.

-me, reading the Pringles can.

For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.

India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.

Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.

*Walks 500 miles

*Walks 500 more

*Is the guy who falls down at your door

*Knocks

*Gets no answer

*Realizes he should have called first

The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.

[being chased by a murderer]

Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!

Murderer: *stabs me*

Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..

Driveway when it snows

Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.

WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?

cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest

BRAAAAAIDS

-zombie sleepover

Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?

*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*

Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.

What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.

What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash

a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”

People keep asking me what my problem is and I think I figured it out, though it’s deep rooted and unsolvable — I just wish my name was in Mambo No. 5