I fucking love Gary Larson so much
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*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
aesthetic
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
This did not end as expected.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?