Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them

How times have changed.

Parents: violence is never the answer

Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA

*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*

Someone die? Time to get high!

Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!

(BYO shovel)

After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..

At the motel:

Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..

Me: I’d like a wakeup call.

FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.

“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them

The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.

i meant to share this earlier

-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!

Victorian Era YouTube comments

After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please

The most important meal of the day is the next one

mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing

If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.

People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.

Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.

{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?

*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”

Wow. That’s good

TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON

can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?

Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.

It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.

if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there

ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating

I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.

No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.

boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time

Me: kill me now!

Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you