I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’
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I get distracted pretty eas
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Getting drunk was invented by Big Text to make you send more texts
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.
“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”
“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”
“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
guys PLEEEAAASEEE does anyone have the original pic of this thread it’s been on my mind for 2 days now
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
our love story in four pictures
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
The pen is writier than the sword.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.