I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’
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I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
TSA agent: is…this a…cattle prod?
Me: it’s for the wankers who crowd the baggage carousel
TSA agent: oh right then. go ahead
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Good morning
