I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’
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The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
My dog ate my work from home.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
My 1st grader is home sick today and this morning I caught him trying to cough directly onto his older brother.
I asked why he did that and he said it’s because he loves him and thinks he deserves a day off of school too.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle