I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’
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My ideal weight is five million dollars
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Why call it a “step dad” when you could have called it a faux pas?
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
In honor of the fall equinox I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited