I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’
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I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
being an artist is crazy because you’ll have one friend who just won a Tony, one friend who’s finally juuuust making enough to quit their day job & one friend who’s like “so my new side hustle is birthday party clown”
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
My wife is so cute with her love of crime documentaries and her fascination with serial killers and her internet searches for “untraceable poisons” and “how to dispose of a body.” Wait.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof