Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?

Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu

I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.

“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.

gollum: *coughs on ring*

frodo: you know what, keep it

Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?

Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.

It’s the redoucheflex

Therapist: How are you feeling

Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂

Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this

Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.

DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-

ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers

ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*

There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity

My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions

I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.

*calls male escort service*

Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”

We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows

I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video

Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.

I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.

I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.

My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.

All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.

Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?

7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.

TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.

I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.

My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*

Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.

The defense rests your honor.

*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*

governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert

Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic

Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.

I found myself sitting beside the doctor who delivered me 42 years ago so I asked “do you remember me?” and he looked at me all serious and replied “it’s hard to tell when you’re wearing clothes”