Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.

Werent we promised soylent green by now?

My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.

She’s eleven.

I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.

If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now

Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?

Me: *throwing up*

Doctor: Ralph it is then.

Why can’t mirrors be nicer

You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe

when I write a work email so good I go into Sent and admire my work

If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?

Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon

[later]

Wife: pass me the rock sample bags

Me: I thought you brought them

Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.

Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:

1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving

The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky

Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON

I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…

imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g

Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.

PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.

Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.

I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.

Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.

Verizon: your online bill is ready

Me: ok. for what

Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie

When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse

Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?

Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?

Friend: No.

Me: Then, no.

(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.

How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.

How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?

Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.