I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
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To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
went for a walk, Very pleasant evening. the squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. that stung a little. I will remember their faces
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this