I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
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My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched
This will never not be funny 😭
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.