I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
You Might Also Like
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”