Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.

Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches

My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”

Me: Sure.

[BANG]

Me: it’s 4 35 pm.

So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.

A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.

Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”

Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails

Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing

First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing

If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.

Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.

Solving a traffic jam

My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.

I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.

“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened

them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty

[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*

My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.

The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩

I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.

There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.

Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time

Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.

I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.

Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.

Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.

My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.

“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.

Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.

Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.