Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope they boil the right one.

Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit

My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.

The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers

What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?

Waking up has backfired on me so many times

I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.

After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.

I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re low on eyes.

My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.

Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.

Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”

Mine should be here in a few days.

I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.

“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.

So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.

“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…

…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.

“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume

Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.

Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?

Me: When she comes

Him: I know but when

Me: When she comes dude

Him: That’s not a time

Me: I’m going off of the information I have

Him: Do you know the horses she has?

Me: Yes six white horses

Him: See how do you know that

[first day as a mover]

boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.

me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S

Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute

How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?

Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.

You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.

I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!

me: do that thing i like

him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into

Brains are sexy

Wish everyone had one

Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher

Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.

THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.