I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
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I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
🤣🤣🤣
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
My wife is so cute with her love of crime documentaries and her fascination with serial killers and her internet searches for “untraceable poisons” and “how to dispose of a body.” Wait.