Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.

You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?

A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…

damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]

[Year 2090]

A teenager unwraps a birthday present

“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”

Nurse: we need to draw some blood

Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this

[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.

Checking my emails on Cyber Monday feels like walking through a mall where everything’s yelling at me.

I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.

We found love in a hopeless place.

Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.

[lying in bed]

Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women

ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!

[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]

Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.

FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!

ABE LINCOLN: is that good

Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.

My Kids: Close enough

*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home

ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit

Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.

I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.

One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plate

Me: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that

Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home

Brownies: you lied

More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.

Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.

Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?

I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…

I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.

Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s

12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight

Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.