I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
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I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
I was under the delusion I’m normal until I learned I’m the only person who wears pants to zoom meetings.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
I miss seein tweets like “last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day, Guantanamo Bay” who did that one
I stopped by my parent’s house today briefly and my mom told me she’s “spending the day bed rotting” & that it’s her “new thing”. I swear, it’s like I have a 70 year old teenager.
ew if literal: let me be clear
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
How do I get a job writing these texts
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm