I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
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Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair