I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
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My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Animal poetry
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
You got this…
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
the best thing i’ve ever made
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.