I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.