I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
