I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
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Hey i am sexy to you now
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
The French word for sex is croissant.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
There’s anxiety and then there’s my 4yo counting to 10 really fast because we’re playing hide and seek and oh my gosh I haven’t found a hiding spot yet
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
My wife treats me like a check engine light
She does something that turns me on
Then ignores me and hopes I go away
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Somebody’s lying.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.