I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
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The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Don’t we all.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Cargo pants? Uhhhh no buddy, car go beep beep. You feeling alright man?
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”
Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
what?
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.