I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
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My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.