I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
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My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
I’d rather go liquor treating.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Body by sandwich.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Snack for election night!
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first