I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Packing for a 2 day trip like I’m gunna shit my pants 3 times and go swimming
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Hey i am sexy to you now
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
I was under the delusion I’m normal until I learned I’m the only person who wears pants to zoom meetings.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.
Talking to Europeans about healthcare feels like when you’re a kid and your rich friend shows you his toys.
“Wow you got the ambulance ride AND hernia surgery?? Oh. No, no, not me. I got the Uber and off-brand ice pack. Yeah they said it’s basically as good as the real thing.”
