I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
I’m not wrong
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩🟩🟩⬜️🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩🟩🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
My first day working as a consultant at Microsoft! All going extremely well apart from tripping over a cable. 99% sure I plugged it back in the right socket.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
