I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
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I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.
stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in Iowa.
I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.