i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
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*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go