Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.

My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.

[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’

Don’t come back here with your bullshit.

Me, coming back with my bullshit:

Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”

Do I laugh or….?

everyday is christmas if you’re a shopaholic with adult money

Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.

Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from

My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.

I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.

I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality

Thank you corporation very cool

me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]

“Paper beats rock, Charles!”

doctor: god you’re unhealthy

me: we haven’t started the check-up

doctor: ya i just found your insta

I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.

If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.

How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?

*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*

I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU

[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder

I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.

The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.

for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again

Looking for a date, he must

-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long

°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND

I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.

Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun

Cop: Was it a revolver?

Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal

Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law

A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper

Texas.

Where the vegan menu item is chicken.