i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
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A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
3 Changes I’d Make to Improve Google Search
1. Nobody uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button so replace it with a second “Google Search” button
2. Remove the now redundant first “Google Search” button
3. Add a fun new button beside the Google Search button named “I’m Feeling Lucky”
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there