Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”

ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”

Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off

Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day

[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?

MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead

ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE

I’m sorry but how the hell did we land on the moon and back in 1969 but can’t retrieve our astronauts from the Space Station in 2024?

“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone

Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…

Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.

My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight

me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.

Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.

Automatic Door: Screw. You.

My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.

At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.

QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:

1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?

When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher

Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep

At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next

[ Mt. Everest camp ]

First climber: hey where’s your buddy?

Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.

I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!

PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part

verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet

You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.

waitress: are there any allergies at this table?

me, already drunk: POLLEN

Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute

I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.

I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate

WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*

Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene

Me: how??

[Earlier]

Me: better floss before drowning this guy

This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.

lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw

If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.