I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
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“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Good morning
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Stonehinge
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*