Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.

I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby

WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.

WIFES FRIEND: Why?

[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]

ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.

When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.

Me: will you wake your sister

4: no that’s way too scary

Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.

Bartender: what’ll it be?

Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet

I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior

For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.

*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?

*FINALLY gets truck washed*

*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*

Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes

My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.

if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy

“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”

[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!

Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”

Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”

When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.

“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life

one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries

Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too

Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.

After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”

Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?

i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera

Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out

Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff

“I’d like to speak with a manager”