I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
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I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”