Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.

Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.

Easy enough.

Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.

Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.

Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*

My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3

“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief

“Pease porridge hot”
Sure.

“Pease porridge cold”
Less desirable, but I guess.

“Pease porridge in the pot nine days old”
Ok, now this is just starting to sound like a health code violation

I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.

[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet

*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*

Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me

Murderer: lol

Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.

He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.

if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.

my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her

I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.

Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.

When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”

Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.

Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-

Wife: No

Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.

[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”

CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on

Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens

“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On

officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*

The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.

People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.

3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?

me: they’re lights

3: no I mean the spirits in front of them

me:

me:

me:

3: what’s for dinner