Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.

I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.

They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.

hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities

rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.

I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)

“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.

ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…

DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion

I’m a people person.

Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.

I’m a pizza person.

I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.

Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.

Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s

Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?

Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?

Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*

*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’

Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.

Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?

Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.

If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.

Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?

Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.

I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest

One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72

[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us

The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos

Me: What are you doing?!

5-year-old: Hugging my sister.

Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.

5:

Me:

5: The good ones do.

You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second

My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.

[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”

Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.

Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done

[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?

Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.

Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”

I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱