I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
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Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
twitter is a journey
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.