I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
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Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.