I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
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[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
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Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.![]()
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Lmfao
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Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.