I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
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I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Ok that baby hippo is adorable but how did 90% of my timeline become baby hippo overnight without me ever searching hippo content.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.