I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
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After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!
Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!