i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home
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I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
dorian gray goes on hot ones and he eats all the wings no problem but then when he gets home his portrait is really sweaty and begging for milk
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.