Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event

Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.

WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?

ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.

I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.

[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend

5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars

Me: That’d wreck the economy

5: I just-

Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation

My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?

I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.

you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic

Google search history:

Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet

the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?

Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.

surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!

To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.

Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that

[Later in bedroom]

Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?

At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.

My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.

boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here

I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.

I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.

*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”

What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?

#SometimesForFun I update signs at work

EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.

genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months

me: i thought i got three wishes right now

genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year

I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.

David Attenborough, the confusing early years

[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this

the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough

“I’m very proud of my teeth. I’m going to show the humans my teeth. They’ll love them.” —Great White Sharks, probably.