I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
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*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no