I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
You Might Also Like
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
7 foot tall undergrad told me that he was going to have to miss class for a game and, not wanting to make assumptions, I asked him what team he was on and he just said “come on” lmao
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
79.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Seems legit
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
