I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
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Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable
Which wines pair best with gloating?
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.