I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
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Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval
just leave the danger noodle alone
sincerely,
a medical toxicologist
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.