Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.

Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?

Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing

Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy

I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.

hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting

me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong

hypnotist: idk whatever

[later]

me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much

me: how is your pancake, bud?

3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft

DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news

ME: can you tell me what it is

DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared

Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster

Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?

Robber: kindergarten probably

There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.

[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol

I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box

*quietly opens cheese wrapper*

*dogs come running from upstairs*

Me: How the hell did you hear that?

[10 minutes later]

*gf quietly opens bag of chips*

Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?

me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?

girlfriend: I think I need a break

me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today

(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”

me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok

(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!

Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.

6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?

When someone trying to leave me

[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing

[later, at my place]

Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom

Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?

Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.

Me Got it.

Dad: Where’s mom?

Me: Visiting Super Dad.

When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.

I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.

For newbies

DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subway

always here to help! All day 👍

I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.

How dramatic are you?

My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.

Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.

toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Dada!

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Papa!

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.

Me: This is bullshit.

Baby: This is bullshit.