I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
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Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.