If a conspiracy theorist tries to suck you into one of their wacky stories, just counter it with an even crazier theory.
Them: the moon landing was fake!
You: dude u still believe the moon is real? *shake ur head & walk away*
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
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him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
I’m opening a bar called The Office. You’re welcome guys.
“Be home soon sweetie, I’m at The Office”
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!