@HomeProbably

I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.

Parenting is easy.

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@deedles420

If a conspiracy theorist tries to suck you into one of their wacky stories, just counter it with an even crazier theory.

Them: the moon landing was fake!

You: dude u still believe the moon is real? *shake ur head & walk away*

@ArfMeasures

WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge

ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART

@JeremyKCMO

I’m opening a bar called The Office. You’re welcome guys.

“Be home soon sweetie, I’m at The Office”

@CornOnTheGoblin

[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha

@CloydRivers

We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.

@JohnLyonTweets

[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.

@Pro_Jones_

Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP

Me: I’m woke

Kids: How woke?

Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.

@juicymorsel

My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!