I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
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[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen
Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”