I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
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[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Breaking news:
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles
We don’t have a dog
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.