I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
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If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*