Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.

Hey bro pleas stop using all the good skipping rocks at the river

I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.

Them: if you could be any animal wha-

Me: rotisserie chicken

I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.

*Dresses up as a large butter knife

Im a super spreader

Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.

10yo: I can’t find one.

Me: *finds a pencil* Here.

10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.

Me: *finds a sharpener*

10yo: I can’t find an eraser.

Me: Fine, use the pen.

10yo: I can’t find the pen.

*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*

Me: want a piece?

Her: wrong, whole.

boss: hi

me: *pretends to read an email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”

It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.

I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.

A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.

Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁

Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?

I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.

Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.

People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie

And now we wait

Cop: have you been drinking?

Stork: no

Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg

Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with

Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.

– me as a marriage counselor

I’m having my mother-in-law for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. She asked what she could bring. I said, “Bring some pie and cranberries and stuffing and mashed potatoes with gravy and a golden brown turkey.”

When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.

Did I spell something wrong?

I wouldn’t describe myself as an “adult”, per se. More like a “long child”.

I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.

Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping

Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?

Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.

him: damn girl you’re hot

me (menopausal): I know. it sucks

When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.