I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
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I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Fight
remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese
Girlfriend: Yes probably more
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G