Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.

When a mom hears the words

“Mom, don’t be mad…”

We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.

I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.

If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.

When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?

Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.

If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.

You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.

Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.

If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’

I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.

Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”

So close, kid. So. Close.

Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.

[first day in Hell]

Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here

Devil: there is no escape

Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]

bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1

My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.

My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”

Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing

My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life

Scientists discover surface of Mars boring af

funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch

[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.

[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.

The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.

My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.

I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.

Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.

If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.

*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?

I have a joke about trickle down economics.

99% of you won’t ever get it.

If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.

me: where did you put my gravy boat?

son: on the table, next to the lettuce

me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?

son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes

Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw