I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
You Might Also Like
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
I found your tweet-up…
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Breaking news:
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
what the