I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
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“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Botany good plants lately?
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
do u think theres a butter planet?
Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful…
But that’s how Julius Caesar.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
