I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
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Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Sometimes people without kids see a mom out with her kids and are like “wow she makes that look easy” but not me. I come to your cookout with my children and make you say “oh my GOD we are never having children”
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
called in thicc to work this morning
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
One time I was at a bar with some friends and I told my one friend he was being belligerent (he was) and for the rest of the night he was like “oh I’m belligerent huh? I’m belligerent?” And it was clear he didn’t know what the word meant
How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
and now we wait
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”