I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
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I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
#Caturday
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Twitter remains undefeated
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.