Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”

How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:

1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items

What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?

I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.

If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.

I wish more places gave out stickers like the ones you get for voting. “I got a colonoscopy!” “I got a mammogram!” “I got a pap smear!” “I got a prostate exam!”

*First Passover*

The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS

*trains 1 million soldier ants*

*gets carried to work*

*at plastic surgery consultation*

Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”

Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”

[internet meet up, 1999]

Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.

[internet meet up, 2019]

Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.

“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.

cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm

#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits

My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.

Me: It’s time to get ready for school.

Kid: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!?

Me: Dude, this shouldn’t come as a surprise. You’ve been doing this every day for 10 years now.

[6 hours later]

Kid: What are we having for dinner?

Me: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!

Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.

Boss : If you are late again you are fired.

Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.

Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound

McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”

Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it

when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances

What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.

not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.

My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.

Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..

Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.

Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.

20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—

40: wtf just happened

Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.

*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist

Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER

OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.

OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew

honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner

i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off