“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
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Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4
How animals would run if they were human
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
adam and eve had first world problems
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
I like crazy people until they notice me
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Ha.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.