“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
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This meeting could have been a pajama party.
The return of Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft has reportedly been delayed 8 days due to difficulties. Whose idea was it to let the company that can’t even get it right in their own atmosphere try their hand at another one?
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Oops
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Warm pools make me nervous.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it