Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
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People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
[Walking into the gym Jan 1st]
Trainer: Hello! This is a great life change you’re making.
Me: [confused] This used to be an Olive Garden..
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
*steps on a Lego*
*shouts a bunch of obscenities*
Son: *walks in* is football on?
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.