@ilovepie84

“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”

-Oysters

You Might Also Like

@joanneraposo

Why is fruit so expensive?

I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.

@DranoRaul

People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it

@ComedicBust

[Walking into the gym Jan 1st]

Trainer: Hello! This is a great life change you’re making.

Me: [confused] This used to be an Olive Garden..

@Cryptoterra

Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding

@rockymomax

[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really

@causticbob

When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.

Worked a treat.

Got me twenty years.

@DaddyJew

*steps on a Lego*

*shouts a bunch of obscenities*

Son: *walks in* is football on?

@dumbbeezie

You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol