“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
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I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Practicing safe sax
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.