“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”


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Why is fruit so expensive?

I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.


People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it


[Walking into the gym Jan 1st]

Trainer: Hello! This is a great life change you’re making.

Me: [confused] This used to be an Olive Garden..


Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding


[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really


When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.

Worked a treat.

Got me twenty years.


*steps on a Lego*

*shouts a bunch of obscenities*

Son: *walks in* is football on?


You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.