I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
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Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
