Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.

Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on

If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again

You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”

Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.

[in the park]

Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…

Her: uh huh, I guess…

Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]

I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.

I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.

Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.

Be the change!!

*loosely falls to the floor*

*quarter spins*

ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?

WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao

[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes

Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.

Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?

Me: I am a Dr

Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa

Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701

“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.

20’s: what even is a hangover?

40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge

It could be worse.

You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.

This joke is 7 years old

I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.

TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess

COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.

Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!

Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.

*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?

Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night

Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.

Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.

Staying with my parents, pt. 3:

[4 yo is following my dad around]

Her: Whatcha doin?

Dad: Grabbing things for errands

Her: Whatcha doin now?

Him: Going to the garage

Her: Where you goin now?

Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE

Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.

*accidentally makes crinkling noise.

“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign