I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
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I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
I love this❤️😁👍
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
…żyje?
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Someone just called me a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode