I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
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Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
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Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray
Worst perfume name ever.
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[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.